moving

think i'm gonna make the jump...

http://peekinside.wordpress.com/

we'll see!

"The greatest battles of life are fought out every day in the silent chambers of one’s own soul.”

~David O. McKay

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

stuck

Every once in awhile - at various points in my life i find myself here... unmotivated, and more importantly (?) more... *significantly*... uninspired. and feeling absolutely desperate for that fire. for passion. for some little ‘nugget’ that might hopefully propell me further artistically/creatively – hell, even professionally.

i keep envisioning this outside force pushing (or pulling) me towards my creative/professional goals. MAKING things happen... when, in reality, I know it should be me. i KNOW i should be looking inward. inward to my own creativity. my own passion. my own fire. That nothing is going to pull me into success. There’s nothing out there making it happen FOR me... the inspiration. the fire. the creativity that i yearn for is not something that i’m simply going to “stumble upon” or walk into. i have to make it. it comes from WITHIN.

i know i have it in me. i KNOW it’s there. i just have this overwhelming feeling that i'm always stopping just short of 'genius'. that it’s my fate somehow, and that i’m doomed to just being “close” but never quite tapping into my full potential. that somehow, SOMEWHERE there’s this door which will lead me towards whatever it is that i feel like i’m missing but just can’t seem to find – no matter how I try.

i mean, what is it? what is the missing piece?

there’s DEFINITELY some component to “the process” that i don’t have. or that i don’t understand... something isn’t clicking and i’m missing out in a major way.

i don’t WANT to accept that this is the way it will ALWAYS be... i just feel... stuck. I’m in a pattern of repitition that i can’t seem to escape.

i’m feeling bottled-up.

restrained.

like i’m about to explode if i don’t make some sort of progress.

i just don’t know how.

you know... i need fuel (external fuel) to inspire me to create (internally) from within – (don’t we all).

i could be – no, i am – one of those people who’s sustained by art. i thrive on it. on the indescribable joy of creation, period. and lately, that side of myself has been DYING from neglect. i mean, i can’t exactly help it – due to the circumstances of life sometimes – sometimes we find ourselves just having to SURVIVE... i think that, for me, I’m finding that – just as importantly as the act of living each day. just making it through... making it to work on time. paying bills. eating. breathing. sustaining life. and love and relationships – for me, there’s also creation and creativity and feeling like i’m contributing to... i don’t know... to culture? to one's heart? to... whatever it is inside me that makes me want to know – to FEEL – life. to SHOW life... i need that. i need to DO that – it HAS to be a part of my daily existence.

the term ‘creativity” seems so trite. so, 'Hobby Lobby'. So... ‘Martha Stewart’

I don’t know. i guess that’s why i hesitate to use that word in thinking about what i’m missing in my life right now.

in this reasoning, I can definitely identify with the ideals behind “the Artist’s Way” and “The Secret” because, for me, art/creativity/the art of creation, itself has always seemed more like a religious/spiritual experience for me - moreso than organized religion itself. nothing in life makes me feel closer to my Creator than the act of creating... i look for God in art. in finding artistic fuel – to feel alive. to connect with everything. with life!

man, now i just sound like some sort of artsy-fartsy-hippy... and it sounds so cheeseball, but it’s kinda true.

the process of creating is most certainly NOT just a Hobby Lobby/Martha Stewart thing for me. and it’s not something i do to fill my spare time... i think it’s essential to my survival and, more importantly, to my spiritual well-being.

and for one, i have been neglecting it. and two, i don’t even know how to tap into it fully... i feel like it’s something i should KNOW with all that i am, but i just fall short...

bleh.

it doesn’t even make sense to ME.

i’m just typing... not really understanding what i'm trying to say.

isn’t it a weird sensation to KNOW you need something, but not understand what exactly. or HOW. or why... but you just know that if this “THING” doesn’t exist for you, then your life isn’t yet as it’s meant to be.

i can’t really descibe it other than that.

i KNOW there are things i’m meant to accomplish. i know THIS is not where i’m meant to be in my life... i have more to do. i have more to contribute, but i just can’t –for the life of me – seem to figure out how to get to where i don’t even know i’m going...

seems the obvious first step is to find out where i need to be. the second step is to go there.

easy, right?

Heh.

i know i need stimulation. visual. cultural. mental...

i need to surround myself with other creative people. i need to discuss life and art and philosophy and music and laugh at how rediculously lost we are in ourselves. i need to know i’m not the only one who feels the way i do.

i need a push on this swing of life. i need someone to show me what i can’t seem to see for myself. or show me HOW to see what i can’t see...

i need a jumpstart out of the haze i've been living in. i need to jump out of my comfortable little rut and DO something!

I just don't know what.

Is this the point where i just say "fuck it" and i go back to school? Or am I just needing a vacation? Meditation? concentration? distraction? stimulation? new occupation?

who the hell knows...

So, i just keep spinning in this hazy circle of uncertainty. Unsure of what to do or where to go to stop the cycle and finally just move forward.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

say

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put them in quotations
Say what you need to say (8x)

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (8x)

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for getting older
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Why?
Say what you need to say...

Interview with Daniel Karslake, writer/director of "For The Bible Tells Me So"

Exerpt from the interview...

We're very much still in a discussion in this country where both sides are yelling and really not listening to the other side. So one thing that I'm really hoping is that the film can lift the conversation out of that separating point and that people will at least start to hear another way to think about gay and lesbian people in the Bible and walk away thinking, "Okay, I respect what these theologians are saying, I respect what conclusions these very faithful Christian families are reaching and I will just let that lay instead of trying to change them."

What I will say, though, is that a lot of the initial response I've gotten from the film from the people I most made it for, these conservatives who have another view of the Bible, have been very strong and very positive, and more positive than I'd even hoped.

We had our world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival in January and at Sundance there were groups of students from two very conservative seminaries who came to the same screening. And both groups of kids, or not really kids but in their early 20's, emerged from that screening desperate to have a longer conversation with me about the film and about the issue. They asked me to come to the church — they were sleeping on the floor of a church throughout the festival — and i went to the church the next day and we had an amazing conversation where a lot of them said, you know, we couldn't sleep last night, we couldn't believe there were these stories of good Christian parents who had gay kids, and I've never really been exposed to what gay people are before and I think maybe I've been misled this whole time.

And another woman stood up at one of the screenings and said, "I'm a born again Christian," and I thought, here it comes ... and she said, "I just want to thank you for reminding the world about the real message of Jesus," and she sat down. And I thought, wow — I think this movie actually is resonating more deeply with people than I'd even hoped — especially the people that I want most to see it ... Because all five families are Christian families who are wonderful and to various extents embrace their gay child but also stay in their faith. So I have a lot of hope.